


Empty

by TheRedHeadedCaptain



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Miscarriage, Sadness, pregnancy loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29890776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRedHeadedCaptain/pseuds/TheRedHeadedCaptain
Summary: A brief look at Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay following a miscarriage.WARNING:  This piece may be disturbing to those who have experienced pregnancy loss.  I felt compelled to write this piece, placing my favorite OTP in this situation.  If the idea triggers you even the slightest, please just move on to some lovely JC fluff elsewhere in AO3. I’m posting for those that may need the support, but I’m sure it could be extremely hurtful to others.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 20
Kudos: 60





	Empty

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JAlexMac](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JAlexMac/gifts).



> Thank you to Dawn47 for the beta and kind chats!

The Commander entered sickbay at the end of his shift, his shoulders slumped and eyes desperately searching. He spotted her still curled up on a biobed in the alcove, facing away from him. He could only see the messy strands of her golden hair, her small frame balled up compactly under a blanket. His jaw tensed and he ran a hand through his own hair, trying to figure out anything he could offer her, any way he could make this better. 

The Doctor noticed his entrance and was immediately by his side giving him an update on the Captain’s condition. “Almost all of the physical effects have subsided, but her plummeting dopamine and serotonin levels indicate she is spiraling into depression.” The Doctor looked over at the Captain with concern. “And beyond the confirmation from her receding neurotransmitters, she doesn’t even want to leave sickbay. When has she ever not fought me tooth and nail to get out of here?” The hologram was obviously trying to lighten the somber mood, and failing spectacularly at the task. 

He turned his attention back to the Commander. “How are you doing?” Chakotay felt numb, he had been pushing away his own feelings, trying to focus solely on Kathryn for now. She was all that mattered, he could deal with his own pain later. “I’m fine,” he deflected. “Give us a few minutes, I’ll see if I can get her back to her quarters, I think she’ll do better there…. And we can’t exactly keep sickbay off limits to the crew forever.”

He walked slowly over to her, trying to make her gradually aware of his presence so not to startle her with his arrival. She didn’t stir as he came alongside her bed. He stroked her hair gently, “Kathryn, I’m here now.” She felt cold and clammy to his touch as she curled tighter into herself. He seated himself beside her, leaning over to try and see her face. Her eyes were red and bloodshot. The tears had abated, he knew she had probably cried her eyes dry some time back. She stared out absently, her gaze a thousand light years from here.

He shifted his entire body up on the bed, wrapping himself completely around her. He enveloped her in his arms, trying to reassure her with his presence. He kissed her neck and hair softly. “It’s going to be okay,” he soothed, stroking along her arm. “Why don’t you let me take you back to your quarters and I’ll run you a nice hot bath?”

Her voice came out hollow. “This is all my fault. I didn’t want this and so my body rejected it.”

He released a deep sigh, she was always blaming herself. He squeezed her tighter and decided to try reasoning with her scientific side. “One in five human pregnancies end in miscarriage. Even 24th century medicine can’t prevent them, this was simply bad odds.” 

“I should be relieved, no more complications, no more difficult command decisions to face…” the waver in her voice hinted at a complex mix of guilt and sadness.

She rolled over to face him, nestling deeply into his warm chest. “I didn’t know I wanted this until it was gone. You remember when the Doctor told me I was pregnant, I completely lost it. I panicked. How could I ever have a baby in the Delta Quadrant? While I’m Captaining this ship? The crew still doesn’t know we’re together. I couldn’t possibly explain to them how I even got pregnant.”

He thought back to what felt like a lifetime ago. She had been furious when she first found out about the baby. Raging at him. Raging at herself. Raging at the Doctor even. How could they all have been so careless? Not understanding how the contraceptive shots could have failed. Some new radiation or parasitic life form in the Delta Quadrant could always be counted on to upend their expected norms. And through whatever twist of the universe had prevailed, suddenly the Captain was expecting, what exactly she was expecting even he couldn’t tell. She felt like a complete failure for allowing such a thing to even happen. Chakotay masked his feelings through it all, fearing his own straightforward happiness would be too strong, too overwhelming, so he gave her the time and space to process her own conflicting emotions. 

Then as the weeks went on, she slowly came around to the idea, easing back on her daily coffee intake and remembering her prenatal vitamins without his subtle reminders. When they were lying in bed at night, she would take Chakotay’s hand and guide it gently down her stomach to see if he could feel the changes in her body, if he could sense the tiny bulge of new life growing inside her. She began to let herself consider the logistics of the situation, when they would tell the crew, finding a space for a crèche, remodeling her quarters, figuring out if and how she would take maternity leave... But all of this was not meant to be. 

At least she was speaking to him again, talking about this, it was the most she had managed in the past two days. Since she had emerged from the bathroom frantic, knowing what the blood had meant, yet still refusing to believe what was happening inside her body. The little life detaching from her and fading into nothingness. He had called for an emergency transport to sickbay, not even caring that they were in their pajamas, indifferent to who might see all their secrets. The shimmer of the transport whisked them away, both clinging to the fool’s hope that something could be done to change the fate of their child. 

He had gone back to the bridge that morning, even though leaving her side as she suffered was almost unbearable. He was despondent in his own grief, but he had to push it aside so he could cover for the Captain. He needed to watch the ship so Kathryn could have this time to recuperate and recover. He made the Doctor swear to stay with her, even though the hologram would have done it faithfully with no prompting. The Doctor was grateful he could be there for the Captain. She had recently sat for hours upon end with him on the holodeck as he processed his own turmoil after letting a patient die. He wanted her to know he would gladly do the same for her, at least he could offer her a listening ear and a friendly face, even if he could not provide a medical solution to her troubles.

The excuse of the flu would only work for so many days. If she went on like this Chakotay would eventually have to tell Tuvok, and possibly the rest of the senior staff, the truth about what was going on. The skeptical looks and probing questions had already begun. They had to suspect something was amiss, it was completely unnecessary to close off sickbay for one single case of the flu. 

Chakotay brushed aside the practicalities of the matter, bringing his mind back to the present and focusing solely on the woman he loved, anguishing in a pain he was powerless to remove. He kissed the top of her head and pulled her tighter into his embrace, trying to convey his love and support through the feel of his strong arms. “If it’s something you truly want, we can try again.”

She looked up from his chest, fresh tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “I had no idea how much I would want this. You and me, starting a family, having a child together...” Her voice cracked as the word child broke from her mouth. 

He cupped her cheek in his hand, his thumb caressing gently over her smooth skin, then he pressed his lips softly against hers and murmured into her mouth, “I’ll give you another baby, if that's what you want.”

She tilted her head back down and began to shake, her body convulsing uncontrollably. She choked out her words in between violent sobs. “Chakotay... what if you can’t? What if ...this never… happens... for us?”

He ran his hands up and down her back, the tears welling up in his eyes, his own fears creating a knot of pressure in his throat. “I don’t know what is going to happen Kathryn. Maybe the spirits will gift us with a child, maybe they won’t. But I’ll be here for you no matter what. Now and for always. We’ll have each other.”

She wept in his arms as his own quiet grief flowed down his face, mourning the immeasurable loss of a child they would never even meet. He knew that in times like these their choices to support one another were pivotal, their sorrow could either tear them apart or bring them closer together. The sadness cascaded through both their bodies as they clung desperately to each other, knowing that neither one of them was strong enough to survive this alone.

They eventually fell asleep, exhausted from the pain. Chakotay woke first, his body cramped and stiff on the biobed, his soul still empty and wanting. He watched her sleeping, his right elbow pinned uncomfortably under her head as pins and needles shot through his arm. He relished in the discomfort, the physical pain so much easier to handle than the dull ache in his heart. 

When she finally awoke, her eyes appeared more focused, a fraction of her former self sneaking into her forlorn appearance. “Computer, what is the time?” she asked. “The time is 0200 hours,” came the melodic reply. 

“I want to go home,” she stated flatly, her voice free of the slightest emotion. 

“Of course,” Chakotay replied. “Do you want to walk or should we call for a transport?” 

She looked down assessing her own state, suddenly self conscious at her haggard appearance. “Probably the latter, since I don’t have any clothes to wear.”

A few moments afterwards, they shimmered back into existence in her quarters. “Bath or bed?” Chakotay asked as he picked her up, not trusting her legs to support her right now. 

“Bath, I probably need that more.” It was a testament to how far gone she was that she didn’t even feign resistance as he carried her limp form to the bathroom. No matter how ill, she would always protest that she could take care of herself. 

He placed her carefully in the tub as he instructed the computer to fill it with hot water. He gently pulled off her gown and added her preferred choice of bubble bath to the rising water. As he started to leave, her small hand darted out and grabbed his wrist.

“Please don’t go, I need you,” her thumb and fingers grasping on to him as if he was her life raft and she was drowning. He stripped down to nothing and eased himself into the scalding water, she always liked it much hotter than he would prefer.

He brought her between his legs and lay her back against his chest. His arms wrapped around her searching until his hands found hers. Then he intertwined their fingers, linking them securely together. She relaxed into the comfort and safety of his strong body as he began to rock her slowly back and forth in the water. 

“It’s probably for the best,” she mumbled unconvincingly. “What would I do with a baby on this ship anyway?”

He didn’t believe her words for a second. “Whenever you’re ready, and the Doctor says it’s safe, we’ll try again,” Chakotay assured her, his lips tracing along the graceful curve of her neck and shoulder. 

Kathryn tilted her head back searching for his eyes, needing to feel that connection between them. “And if I can’t get pregnant again? Or if I keep losing them?”

“Then we will have the most glorious time trying. And if it doesn't work, I will still have the woman I love here in my arms.” A hint of his dimpled smile emerged for the first time in days and an earnest desire rumbled through his deep tone. 

“Will that be enough?” she asked, fearful that their two hearts may someday require more than the other one could give.

“Are the stars enough for the night sky? Is the ocean enough for the beach? Some things are neither too much nor not enough, they simply are the way they should be.” He pulled her in closer as his lips met hers, pressing his adoration into her mouth and offering an endless promise. “You and I. Together. That's how it should be.”

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't want to give this a full happy ending because for some people they do get a rainbow baby afterwards, but for some people that never happens. I just wanted to show that the choice for them to support each other was the important part. Thank you for anyone who took the time to read!


End file.
